Internet please stop helping me destroy my self worth

I do good things. I do worthwhile things. I have accomplished something (many somethings) in my life.

So why do I torture myself looking at what other people have and waste time being jealous. I know they worked hard to get what they have and if I applied myself to one thing instead of being  spread so thin I could have the same things. When I am able to take a step back and look at it I don't even really want those things.

Internet , you inspire me  to great creativity and also great angst. One of those things I could do without. I am neurotic enough without your siren song ....look at facebook.... just peek at their photos.... doesn't that blogger weigh the same as you why does she look so much better..... where is your grown up life.... where are your wedding pictures..... don't you do anything worth posting about.....  Internet , I can't quit you but I wish you didn't feed that evil little self esteem and motivation destroying demon in me.

not martha

i'm not trying to be martha i just want to not live in a pig sty. I'm reading a few housekeeping books that pretty much just reinforce things i know but are helping to motivate me and change my thinking. Since i work late on wednesday I for some odd reason thought i could vacum, clean the bathroom and kithen, do all the laundry and windows EVERY wednesday. WHen tis didn't work out for me instead of trying to make up a rotation or something i just stopped cleaning. I know it's gross. I'm not proud. But i am finally motivated ot try something new. do little things everyday and it will be clean enough. my sad new standard ... clean enough. BUT if i want to have people over or soemthing nothing will be embarasingly close to nuclear wastedump. So there are some not so clean spots but it is a lot better off over all.

I do need some microfiber dusting cloths.

P.S. is it easier for other people to clean with music on? I'm in a violent femms/dead milkmen mood :)

pigeon quesadillas

young boy: What would it be like if there was pigeon on  the quesadillas?
father: what would it be like if you talked much more quietly?
young boy: *blank stare*
father:Pigoens wouldn't taste very good....

overheard at Chipolte... if this was you and your son let me know i properly credit you and your son...or remove if need be. but oh i giggled

itchy

Do members of your household suffer from an alarming new allergy? Steve seems to have developed an allergy to the last few squares of toilet paper. Rather than use them and suffer he has started leaving them on the tube and pulling out a new roll . This would not be concerning except for the fact that the tubes with 3 or 4 squares of paper left are starting to pile up in the bathroom....

uhg slugishly non triumphant return

244.8

mango coconut water, onion bagel, 2c mixed cantaloupe and honeydew melon,1 mini mr good bar, 100 calorie bag of lornadoone short breads, mini crackle, chiplote black bean and chicken burrito,mild and corn salsa sour cream and cheese, guac and chips (split w/ the boy), mr pibb xtra.

2.5-3 angry venting miles walked in the cold.

phrase i despise: nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. ugh how much do i despise this phrase? i understand that cutting back and eating healthy often m4eans forgoing the tasty things in enjoyed in the past. But I can't even pretend that i will give up good tasting food forever. If i have to be miserable to look good whats the point. I want to be happy and healthy. not miserable and skinny. I hate that thinness= beauty=suffering. NO NO NO. It may take me a few extra miles walking or some extra time on the treadmill but I'm going to eat good food(good tasting which can be done in a healthy way) or this whole thing is a crock.

weird dreams

Ru Pauls Drag Race + SyFY channels alice in wonderland adaptation + starting to watch Glee + just getting my computer back after it was sick for a week + Chorri Pollo and a half carafe of sangria = a dream I'm not sure i want to understand.

Set in a post appocaliptic abandoned russian insane assylum mashed up with a rambling zoo a group of twenty somethigns see Rihanna perform a song about red roses with her crazy Bozo the clown red frizzball of curls. The group then sets off on a quest (that i never understood what our goal was) and put us in an abandond wharehouse where sue sylvester attacked justin beiber with a hollow core door that she broke over his head. The group then escqaped to the zoo where we all pushed strollers ( some people had babies , teen mom style, not sure where they came from) to butt in lines to see animals, and to carry our suppiles easier. We went to a picnic area twoards the back edge of the zoo and proceeded on our quest out through the woods behind the zoo where they kept rehabiltating animals. somehow we were goiog through the monkey area and we were inside the fence withthe monkeys and a few little monkeys decided to ride in our strollers. it was also around this point that i realised we were all barefoot. we eventually make it to the abboandoned assylum and go around outside it on a tour . when we get to a corner called the feather point alot of uus won 't go near it as it feels really  nasty. supposedly it is called feather point as many inmates com mited suicide by jumping off the point thinking they could fly like birds. as the members of the group that didn't fell comfortable looking at feather point start to explore further away form the assylum we are surrounded by a group of sexy pirate ninjas that take us to a place very similar to Beibers wharehouse where we end up fighting a gaggle drag queens, when we get to the leader ( who looks like a cross between Ju Ju Be this seansons Manila ) we find out that Maddonna is holding  Ru Paul hostage and the other Queens are supposed to take out Rihanna as Maddona wants to be the red queen.....

At this point I woke up...  not sure how much more my mind could do with this. If you've never seen the syfy channels Alice i totlly recomend it , amazing version of the story and visually brethtakin g. Part of it is filmed in this abbandoned assylum in cnada som ewhere and some of it is sooo washed out and drab but at one point it was very modern and now nature is reclaiming it so it has a reall post apocaliptic feel. THroughout the dream most of the group i was directly interacting with were dressed in a very steam punk or 40's fiml nior fashion in all neutral colors brown and greyed out....

Maybe i should give up wine and greasy mexican food together?

uhg

well i started walking, i did a mile, half on the treadmill and half on the elliptical, it took me 20 min and by the end i could feel my calves burning. I knew i probably shouldn't have pushed so hard, but i know diet isn't going to change my body at all i need to become more active. In fact i was a bit worried that i wouldn't be able to do it. But i succeeded and i now just need to make myself add it to my routine.

I have started reading some fitness and weight loss blogs in addition to the fat acceptance blogs i read. I think I'm just clouding my mind at this point. The weight loss blogs make me sad when girls show pictures of them selves that i think are beautiful, and they go on  to talk about how disgusting their body was then and how they will never let themselves go like that again. I think these pictures are beautiful ... these pictures look like me. I think i am beautiful. I have some health issues (that my thinner family members also have I'm not unhealthy because of my weight) and my doctor suggested exercise ( not weight loss!) to help get myself to a better spot health wise. But I am so saddened by how these other women tear themselves apart.

Of course i am sad when i see some piece of clothing that i love ,but does not come in my size. I do not think it makes me a foul beast.  Uhrg i really can't get out quite what i am thinking now, I'm sure I'll revisit this later.


on a side note after i posted the blog about the freeman clay mask i emailed them with some questions about it , i have yet to hear back... shady. but i bought it so I'm using it up, i squirted out some extra while i was putting it on this evening and decide to do my hands with it as an experiment.... mmm nice soft hands!

so I'm not sad to say i haven't gotten on the scale, i think it was actually making me not want to blog , being afraid the number on the scale would go up. I may just start measuring and only weigh myself once a week as opposed to every time i post.